A Fat Ladies Prayer

"Lord, my soul is ripped with riot.

Incited by this wicked diet.

'We are what we eat' said a wise old man; 

and Lord if that is true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on judgement day, that's plain.

But on the present weight I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall,

Into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh of carrot-curls be sated,

That my soul be poly-unsaturated.

And show me the light, that I may bear witness 

To the Presidents council on Physical Fitness.

And a diet margarine I'll never mutter,

For the road to hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake just awful;

Satan is hiding in every waffle.

He's there too in every chocolate drop,

and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice,

but cut it thin and toast it twice,

I beg upon my dimpled knees

deliver me from sugar tree's.

And when my days of trial are done

and my war on malted milk is won.

Let me stand with the heavenly throng;

In a shining robe...size 10 and long.

I can do it Lord if you show to me;

the virtues of lettuce and celery.

If you'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise;

the sinfulness of hollandaise; donuts, rolls and Oh me!

The cobbler, pie and pastry;

and crisp fried chicken from the South - 

LORD IF YOU LOVE ME.............SHUT MY MOUTH!!"

from 1st Baptist Church recipe book, Hot Springs Arkansas